Trapped by Marriage

I’m feeling good in this pregnancy so far. I’ve been a little on the fatigued side, but other than that it’s been wonderful. I still await that first appointment that seems so far away. The first always seems like a lifetime of waiting.

I have been thoroughly enjoying the Olympics and staying up late to watch them every night which adds to the fatigue but I think it’s well worth it.

I’m currently packing up as I get ready to take my two little ones on a plane for a two week get-away. I’m dreading the whole flight process because it is such a fiasco with little ones and all the gear that they require. I feel a big nap coming on once we land!

Okay, that’s a quick summary of what’s been going on lately. Here’s hoping your journey is wonderful!

What a BIG mistake!  He made it an issue….at 4:30 in the morning!  I was astonished!  I ended up having to get extremely firm with him in order to ensure the needs of our baby were being met.  I ended up having to comfort her back to sleep as always.  I ended up not getting any sleep because my husband said such harsh words that my feelings were hurt and I was in tears.  All of this because I reached out for help…silly me!  I guess that won’t be happening again any time soon.

Of course, this morning when we got up again, he was remorseful and had calmed down a great deal.  He is still allowing me the opportunity to give my perspective to his doctor in hopes that it would help and I sure hope that it does because something has got to change.

Wow!  It’s been a very hard and trying weekend but the message I received during church this morning really hit home.  I was reminded that all the obstacles and things of this world don’t compare to the joys and freedoms of the Kingdom of Heaven.  I will one day experience the greatest joy imaginable.  The life we have here on earth is temporary and by maintaining our faith in God, believing in Him, and accepting Christ into our lives….we are guaranteed all those treasures of Heaven.  What a wonderful thing to look forward too.  That helps me to slow down and remember the greater purpose when I get so caught up in the events of life.

I have felt wonderful with the exception of being painfully tired in the evenings.  That’s a small price to pay for a beautiful life.   I think the hardest part in the beginning is waiting for that first doctor’s visit when you are able to see that little heart beat just confirming everything is okay.  I know God’s hand is in this and I trust that and I’m also anxious to see that first picture.  =)

On another note, today my husband almost lost it completely.  The cycle is right on the edge and I’m terrified.  My last pregnancy was spent with him being in the midst of a horrible cycle for several months which led to me seeking out a lawyer and having the papers drawn up and ready.  I do not and can not go through that again, especially during a pregnancy.

He was able to calm down before escalating and I could see that it did cause him some remorse.  However, he is now putting it all back on me…he wants me to figure this out so that I can help him.  He wants me to communicate with his psychiatrist to tell him all the details from my perspective.  That part is probably the best thing I’ve heard thus far….I truly believe it takes family members and/or friends participating in a Bipolar’s recovery for them to get the best help available.

I just hate being in this place.  I am such a happy person and this really brings me down.  He is always depressed.  It’s like this big, dark cloud is always hovering over him.  At least now, he is willing to see that reality and I hope that it lasts.  My biggest concern is that things will change before his doctor’s appointment on Monday.  That’s a lot of time in a Bipolar’s world with many emotions to deal with and that’s a scary place for me as I fear the blame game coming into action.

If you pray, please lift us up and pray that God will continue to guide the path for my husband to get the right treatment.  Also pray that he remains calm and open until that treatment presents itself.

Aside from being extremely busy a couple of new events has transpired.  One is that over the past weekend, my husband had one of his Bipolar moments.  It wasn’t too extreme, thank goodness, but was one of those in which he blamed me for his being miserable.  He was able to deescalate rather quickly, take a step back, and apologize which was quite a nice transition.

And, then we have the big huge event.  We discovered that we’re having another baby! =)  Now, I know some of my readers are probably thinking that I must be out of my mind given the uncertainties of this relationship.  However, I am escstatic.  If there is one thing I am sure of it’s that I am certainly called to have children.  I am very blessed with my two little ones and will gladly welcome another.  I do believe that in the midst of uncertainties, God provides the paths that are meant for me to follow and that path for me includes another pregnancy.  I trust that path even though I have no idea what my future holds within my marriage.

So, yes….I am thrilled beyond….and for once because I am traveling home soon to visit, I will be able to share the great news with my family in person.  What a gift!

This is what has kept me away from posting recently; however, I hope that I will not be away as long in the future.  Life is good today.  The weekend is coming to an end and I am gearing up and getting ready for another busy week.

My son encountered a lot of firsts today.  He had his first scooter ride and did quite well.  He had his face painted for the first time.  And, he got his first skinned knees in which he tried to milk for all it was worth! =)  We made this a family event and it was lots-o-fun!

Upon returning home, my husband decides to announce that he stopped taking one of his meds….again.  Argh!!!  Are you kidding me?….And, once again I had to remind him that he had promised never to do this under any circumstances again.  And, of course due to his memory he doesn’t recall any previous promises.  This is very frustrating but I let it go for the day and moved on after he agreed to call his doctor first thing Monday morning.

The rest of the day was filled with playing and just having a good time with the youngin’s.  I sit back and observe as my son begs for his Papa to play with him.  And, he will for a few minutes and then he’s done.  He claims that he is just to tired to do anymore.  And, literally, we are talking about 2-3 minutes.  I have a hard time understanding this concept because I play all day long not only with my son, but while carrying my baby girl in my arms.  How is it that a couple of minutes can exhaust a person to the point where they are just done?  Is this really legit or is he just lazy?  Who knows?…I think for now, I’m just going to leave that in God’s hands as we wait for him to see a sleep specialist to find out if there are any concerns to address.  That appointment is a couple of weeks away.

Aside from this little observation, it was an awesome day.  I truly enjoy all those precious moments filled with my kiddos laughter.  There is no better medicine!

Maybe God will provide me with a friend that will fill some of that loss I am feeling.  I know that people are placed in my life at just the right times, always.  And, sometimes friends enter my life that become that sounding board that brings new light.  How nice that would be right now….=)

On to another note though….this has been one of the busiest weeks I’ve had in a while and it hasn’t ended yet.  We’re gearing up for quite the busy weekend starting with a birthday party that my 2 year old is attending tomorrow.  I somehow get the feeling I’m going to be very tired come Monday morning, but in a good way.

Life has been wonderfully busy here lately.  My baby girl is nearing her first birthday in about 3 months.  I am actively searching for her party theme everywhere because it is very rare these days but such a perfect fit for her that I can not resist. 

My son continues to amaze me.  He’s two and already much smarter than me….hahaha.  I have been teaching him his ABC’s but to my amazement, he recognizes them by sight as well.  Thank you Sesame Street!  I don’t allow much tv in the house for the kiddos but this is one show that is certainly okay in my book and apparently has come in quite handy for my son’s educational growth.

The weather has been amazing and we have thoroughly enjoyed playing outside.  My boy runs and runs and runs and his little sister just kackles and kackles.  It’s very entertaining and helps to release all that wonderful energy too!  Their down time is in the evenings and on the weekends and that is usually enough for them to get geared up and ready for another exciting week.

My heart is being led into a different career.  Now, just to be clear I will say that I have no plans to return to the working world prior to my children reaching school age.  I want to be at home and available to teach them and watch them learn and grow.  However, I am looking ahead for two reasons.  One reason is because I do feel called to a different career and therefore must walk the educational path to get there and that is something that I can do over time and still enjoy being a Stay-at-Home Mommy.  And, the second reason is the more obvious one….my husband is a ticking time bomb and there are no guarantees here.  If he gets worse or becomes a danger, I have to find a way to be able to stand on my own again and I would not be able to do that in my current career path.

So, I have been actively doing research and talking with career counselors that can answer my many questions and one of them today was able to bring me some light that I certainly had never heard of before.  It’s a path that is within my potential career journey and yet would grant me the ability to work from home as much or as little as I’d like until I decide to re-enter the working world on a more permanent basis.  It would offer the financial means for me to have that ability to provide for my children without having to rely on someone else.

I could not believe my ears when I received all of the information on this option.  It’s perfect for me and desires and the way it was introduced to me makes me believe it was God opening that door since it was not something I was researching at the time.  My only struggle with actually jumping on the band wagon to begin right away is the financial aspect of the school.  My current student loan is, well….let’s not even go there. =)  I’d really hate to stack more debt in that department.  I have been researching scholarships and hope to find one that will cover more than the value of one credit hour.

If you’d like to say a prayer, please pray that God will continue to show me the doors that will fund this new avenue.  I will keep my eyes open to His will.

Being a holiday weekend, my hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something different.  He was tired of the typical routine.  And, I can understand that because routines can sometimes be mundane.  So, I spent probably 2 hours running through options with him on Friday evening to plan for our Saturday.  And, finally he agreed to one of the options.

Now, my hubby does not show much emotion.  Part of that is his personality and part of it is characteristics of his Bipolar.  Making sure he is okay with an agreed upon option is not always easy.  But, he seemed to be interested in this option.

So, we woke up early and I got the kiddos ready.  We took a nice drive and spent several hours watching our kiddos have a blast and playing right there along with them.  I know I had lots of fun just watching their faces light up and seeing them as they explored new tasks.

After leaving, it took quite a bit of communication attempts for me to get any type of feedback from my husband.  He did admit that he enjoyed the day.  I was relieved that finally….we had enjoyed a weekend in which my husband appeared happy.  It was so short lived though.

This evening he fell silent once again.  The well known look on his face told me that he was not a happy camper and for the life of me, I could not figure out what could have possibly triggered this change.  It turns out that there may not have even been a trigger.  After a few hours of this he finally tells me that he has just been feeling like he needed to go to sleep and that’s what he was going to do.

There is a part of me that believes this is probably legit and is simply part of being Bipolar since depression is certainly part of the illness.  And, then there is a part of me that wanders if it’s just a cop-out to get out of parental responsibilities.  This happens every single weekend.  At least one of the two nights during each weekend, there is some reason and/or excuse as to why he can not help with the children.  The two nights of the weekend are the only nights that I get a 30 minute break and when he has these moments, my break is gone with the wind.

If you’re a parent, I’m sure you can relate to how important it is for us to take time out and care for ourselves in order to best care for our children.  That is not always an option….or should I say, that’s rarely an option in my world.

I am typically a very happy individual.  I love my life, for the most part (my struggle of course being my relationship with my husband).  I love my children.  I love my family.  I love God.  I’m grateful for so many different things.  And, yet every weekend my happiness becomes tainted as I deal with the overwhelming gloom that my husband experiences.

I often feel very helpless when it comes to him.  And, tonight I just want to cry.  After such a fabulous day….how can it end like this once again?  I’m very sad right now and I think for once, I’m not even sure what my prayer should be at this point.  What a confusing place!