Trapped by Marriage

Well, after years my husband finally finds the combination of medications that works.  He did great on them for so long….that is until recently when he decided that one of them was making him sleepy.  Yes, this is one of those irrational thoughts creeping in again.  All of the sudden, the medication is what is causing the drowsiness and now that this has become stuck in his head, it becomes an obsession until he does something about it.

No matter how much I try to reason with him and remind him that this is the only combination that has ever worked, he just could not hear it.  And, as a result of the obsession….he stopped taking on of his medications.  I tolerated him for one month and then told him very firmly that this was not working.  I had to spell out all the events in black in white for him to demonstrate his anger and intolerance over the past month.  Reluctantly, he went back on his medication.

Now, today he went in for his check up with the psychiatrist.  And, do you know that doctor added a new medication to the mix.  Again, a lot of this is about the power and manipulation of the irrational Bipolar patient.  I strongly believe that family members should be involved in the mental health care of the bipolar patient for this purpose.  Who knows how this new medication will affect him.  Only time will tell.

This is definitely how I have been living over the past few years.  In my husband’s case, his cycles are very clear.  They start off slow with him just being a bit irritable and snappy.  Then he begins blaming me for how miserable he feels.  And, then the irrational thoughts and statements start snowballing.  That’s typically when he admits that he’s been on a compulsive shopping spree spending all the money we did not have and/or that he’s been looking at internet porn once again and taking it one step further this time by contacting people via email or by phone.

Once it escalates to this point, the explosion is just around the corner….the one that consists of yelling, screaming, name calling, flying objects, marching off with slammed doors, and followed by silence from his absense.  The silence is pleasant yet scary.  It’s during this time that I wander if it is truly over, or if he has one more explosion left in him until the next cycle.

Then there is the calm….the apology with all the right words, the willingness to talk to the psychiatrist again, and the return to the “normal” life.

See, even with medications….the cycles do not end necessarily.  The medications just work to make the length of time between the cycles longer.

That leaves me with that ever lasting question that I ponder over and over….is it really worth it?  Am I a martyr for staying with him or just holding strong to the vows “in sickness and in health”?  Am I shallow for wanting to have the financial stability for my children or just realistic about the lifestyle that we would be living if I left this situation?

It’s such a difficult place to be in….never in a million years did I ever think I would be the one who would end up in a relationship of this sort and actually find it difficult to make such a decision.  As an outsider, it would seem so simple to me….GET OUT NOW!!!  And, yet that feels so complex at this point.

I even consulted someone who is both a collegue and a friend.  Since this person, had already experienced a divorce in which he admits he just was not willing to work on the issues at hand, I thought surely I would have some solid support.  And, much to my surprise his response, also being a Christian, was to do whatever it took to salvage my marriage because this is what God wants.  I was truly taken aback!  I almost felt judged at that moment and was then only left with more confusion.

He finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and began taking the “proper” medication.  He had experimented with anti-depressants over the years but they never quite did the job.  He still refuses any type of formal counseling, but I was willing to stick around to see if the meds would make a difference.

His timing was perfect because I did share with him that I had seen a divorce lawyer and that I was planning to hand him the papers that very same weekend.  Much to my surprise, this did shake him up a bit.

So, I gave the meds an opportunity to begin working and things did begin to improve.  There were several months where my hubby was calm and peaceful.  Things were much better and I thought once again that maybe we could regain that loving relationship I so strongly desired.  And, somewhere around this time frame my eyes began to open to all the things that I had never seen before.

Up to this point in our marriage, I had spent so much time focused on trying to figure out what it was that I was doing “wrong” and trying to resolve it to make things work, that I had been missing the obvious.  In a relationship, there are certain things that I desire and certain things that I need.  I long to be able to share my entire life with someone else and I desire those long, intimate conversations that can last until sunrise.

I realized that I get neither with my husband.  He has no desire to know about my life and no ability to carry on a conversation.  I can literally pour my heart out for minutes, hours, you name it and his only response will be, “okay, good night.”  There is no give and take and he is unable to share anything about his own life with me as he “can’t remember”.  His memory is poor and I do understand that, but to have absolutely no desire to share your day?….Wow!

So, now that the medications have kicked in and anger and rage are at bay, I am discovering how very lonely I am within this relationship.  It’s a very sad place to be and there are many thoughts that go with it which is what I am about to begin sharing with you.

We had talked about engagement here and there and I one time mentioned how important it was to me that if that were to happen, it be creative.  I wanted the romance and even gave multiple examples of all the glorious engagements that my friends had experienced.  And, after 2 years of dating, the moment happened.  He popped the big question….but it was far from creative or glorious.  I was excited about being engaged and yet secretly I was so sad that it was done in such a simple, matter-of-fact manner.  But, how could I share such a thing and risk hurting his feelings?

Six months later, we were legal!  And, three months later….we moved many thousands of miles away from friends and family.  We both had wanted to move away from our current location, but we had no idea we’d end up as far away as we did nor as quickly.  And, that is when everything started to change.

My husband disappeared and the monster came out!  I kid you not….it was like night and day.  Suddenly, everything I did and everything I said was wrong.  I was blamed for anything you can possibly imagine.  My husband was full of anger and rage.  He would yell, scream, name call, belittle, and throw things.  And, then….he would calm down and apologize, saying all the right things…my heart would melt, and we’d move forward. 

I know, I know….it’s starting to sound like the battered wife syndrome already right?….Not quite….keep reading.  It gets far more interesting.  I am a strong believer in the marriage vows and was willing to do anything to work on our relationship.  He truly had me believing that I was the one at fault.  And, so after an act of congress in twisting his arm….he finally agreed to go to marriage counseling.

Our counselor was amazing at his ability to remain objective and call my husband on his behaviors; however, my husband then began saying that ‘we’ were ganging up on him.  See, I’m in the mental health field….so according to hubby, I’m always analyzing him, counseling him, and trying to control him even though that is far from the truth.  He eventually left me…moved out completely for 6 months and the whole time was “uncertain” he wanted to remain married.  I was devastated!  Here I was thousands of miles away from anyone and only beginning to make new friends and my husband leaves me.  And, the reality of it at the time was I honestly had no idea why.  I heard his complaints, but they just didn’t make sense to me.

And, yet…I continued to strive in every way possible to make changes and do what I could to help resolve the problems.  At the end of the six month period, as he was preparing to move back in….we became pregnant.  The following 9 months were the greatest 9 months of my life.  Our relationship was great, my husband had returned, the pregnancy was wonderful, and the joys of planning for an angel were very exciting.

Things continued to go well with only a few “outbursts” here and there.  About 10 months later, I was pregnant with angel #2 and that is when the monster began to return.  Slowly but surely, he built up more and more until it was back to the full blown anger and rage tantrums.  The only difference now is that I had children to think about.  I could not allow them to be exposed to what was taking place and as hard as it was for me to even consider, I went and talked with a divorce lawyer.  That same weekend, things hit the ceiling and my husband told me that he had something to share….something he had discovered about himself.  And, I was glad to hear it as it almost sounded like hope at that point.  I will let you know what happened very soon.

I want others who may be going through something similar to know that they too, are not alone. It’s easy for me to say that since I am a Christian and know that Jesus is always there with me no matter what….others may not have been introduced to Him just yet and therefore that lonely feeling may be overwhelming.

This is not a blog designed for bashing of any sorts….I am agreeing to become very vulnerable and honest about my journey and the struggles within and I know that some of the thoughts, feelings, and ’secret dreams’ there-in will seem a bit controversial for our world and certainly controversial for Christians. But, I am human….one that lives, breathes, and makes many mistakes. And, I am here to openly share my heart in order to continue on my journey.