Trapped by Marriage

I’m feeling good in this pregnancy so far. I’ve been a little on the fatigued side, but other than that it’s been wonderful. I still await that first appointment that seems so far away. The first always seems like a lifetime of waiting.

I have been thoroughly enjoying the Olympics and staying up late to watch them every night which adds to the fatigue but I think it’s well worth it.

I’m currently packing up as I get ready to take my two little ones on a plane for a two week get-away. I’m dreading the whole flight process because it is such a fiasco with little ones and all the gear that they require. I feel a big nap coming on once we land!

Okay, that’s a quick summary of what’s been going on lately. Here’s hoping your journey is wonderful!

What a BIG mistake!  He made it an issue….at 4:30 in the morning!  I was astonished!  I ended up having to get extremely firm with him in order to ensure the needs of our baby were being met.  I ended up having to comfort her back to sleep as always.  I ended up not getting any sleep because my husband said such harsh words that my feelings were hurt and I was in tears.  All of this because I reached out for help…silly me!  I guess that won’t be happening again any time soon.

Of course, this morning when we got up again, he was remorseful and had calmed down a great deal.  He is still allowing me the opportunity to give my perspective to his doctor in hopes that it would help and I sure hope that it does because something has got to change.

Wow!  It’s been a very hard and trying weekend but the message I received during church this morning really hit home.  I was reminded that all the obstacles and things of this world don’t compare to the joys and freedoms of the Kingdom of Heaven.  I will one day experience the greatest joy imaginable.  The life we have here on earth is temporary and by maintaining our faith in God, believing in Him, and accepting Christ into our lives….we are guaranteed all those treasures of Heaven.  What a wonderful thing to look forward too.  That helps me to slow down and remember the greater purpose when I get so caught up in the events of life.

I have felt wonderful with the exception of being painfully tired in the evenings.  That’s a small price to pay for a beautiful life.   I think the hardest part in the beginning is waiting for that first doctor’s visit when you are able to see that little heart beat just confirming everything is okay.  I know God’s hand is in this and I trust that and I’m also anxious to see that first picture.  =)

On another note, today my husband almost lost it completely.  The cycle is right on the edge and I’m terrified.  My last pregnancy was spent with him being in the midst of a horrible cycle for several months which led to me seeking out a lawyer and having the papers drawn up and ready.  I do not and can not go through that again, especially during a pregnancy.

He was able to calm down before escalating and I could see that it did cause him some remorse.  However, he is now putting it all back on me…he wants me to figure this out so that I can help him.  He wants me to communicate with his psychiatrist to tell him all the details from my perspective.  That part is probably the best thing I’ve heard thus far….I truly believe it takes family members and/or friends participating in a Bipolar’s recovery for them to get the best help available.

I just hate being in this place.  I am such a happy person and this really brings me down.  He is always depressed.  It’s like this big, dark cloud is always hovering over him.  At least now, he is willing to see that reality and I hope that it lasts.  My biggest concern is that things will change before his doctor’s appointment on Monday.  That’s a lot of time in a Bipolar’s world with many emotions to deal with and that’s a scary place for me as I fear the blame game coming into action.

If you pray, please lift us up and pray that God will continue to guide the path for my husband to get the right treatment.  Also pray that he remains calm and open until that treatment presents itself.